OK, I've been doing this Internet dating for almost exactly 6 months now (with a few breaks). Mostly Guardian Soulmates, but I have explored a couple of other sites.
I hate the following words (mainly used in women's profiles I'm sad to say):
Sassy (It's supposed to mean strong yet sexy in an entirely non-threatening-to-your-masculinity way)
Feisty (Less nauseating than sassy, by about, oooh, nothing at all)
Bubbly (I read in this ladlit novel I was flicking through in Borders which was about Internet dating that "bubbly" means fat. It annoys me because fat women have two options: either be "bubbly" i.e. jolly fat person who can laugh at herself, or, if not that, then they are angry and probably a lesbian (I certainly hope so, the more lesbians in this world the better a world it will be). So, it's not so much women using "bubbly" that annoys me but the fact that they feel they have to in the first place. But good luck to 'em in finding partners who think they're fucking amazing and gorgeous)
Inquisitive (You see this in both what women say about themselves and what men are looking for in a woman. It's like fingernails down a blackboard to me. I think it means: "I am inquisitive. I will be totally interested in you and your life and ask lots of questions and listen to your answers with rapt awe. I will also ask questions all the time about other things to make you feel big and clever and I will never correct you or offer facts or opinions of my own." But I could be wrong)
Happy (I just think it's sad that so many women feel compelled to assert that they are "happy", as in: "I'm not a sad old spinster desperate for a man")
Laid back (I just read a good rant about "laid back" on "www. everythingreviewed.blogspot.com" However my complaint is slightly different- if a woman says she is happy and laid back it means she won't nag you or make you feel bad for making her feel bad. She will just suck it up and skip into the sunset looking feisty and sassy and being inquisitive about what she can do next to please you. Bah)
Better not make me miss Match of the Day or I'll be very cross! In a woman's profile, sad sad sad. How fucking desperate and lacking a life can you get?
OK a few things from men's profiles:
Only ticking the Attractive and Very attractive and Slim and Athletic looks and body types. For a start dude, how many women who actually are attractive and slim by the cultural norms currently in force actually believe they are and so would answer your ad? And even if they do, do you only want a vain woman who is shallow enough to think a man who requests those things is a good match? Er, yeah, I guess you do. You'd better be pretty damn athletic and attractive yourself though. And don't expect a happy life when you get older and the natural changes of middle and old age start happening.
Filling in the damn form wrong. See first of all I thought it was weird that loads of guys found things like Assertiveness and Tattoos unattractive. Do they really want to cut out most of the Guardian's female readership? After a while though I started challenging guys who seemed otherwise sound and discovered that quite often they had simply filled the form in wrong or not thought it through. Duh! Your. Profile. Is. What. We Know. About. You.
Saying something like All women over the age of 30 can't possibly be neurotic nutcases can they? OK, you have issues with your ex or several exes which you are clearly not over, nor have you taken responsibility for your part in things. If it's that bad you've just given the game away about yourself in true Ted Hughes fashion, i.e. one wife committing suicide is bad luck but two just looks like either (a) you're a crazy abusive bastard who drives women insane or (b) you're a crazy bastard who only attracts women who are already crazy and then you don't notice and have children with them anyway. OK, this type of personal ad isn't that common, but it does occur, and to be honest it always give me a chuckle.
Not reading my profile properly. The word "feminist" is in there twice for a reason, bub.
In both genders:
Being from Brighton
There are far, far too many people from Brighton on Guardian Soulmates. It's a poncy little seaside town that had to join up with another little poncy town to scrape through into city status very recently. It is full of wankers (mostly white-skinned English wankers at that) in the most absurdly trendy clothes living in squalor because of the property prices and pretending to be oh so bohemian and alternative. Newsflash: it's not alternative when everyone dresses that way and there's no risk of being beaten up on the late night bus home. Why don't they just have their own little personal ads service and stop bothering the rest of us. Oh, and stones and stones and stones do not a beach make.
Hmmmppph. I will add more later if I think of it.
Truth be told though, I've met some very lovely people on Soulmates recently.